Schema therapy helps uncover and heal deep-rooted feelings of shame by
addressing harmful beliefs, fostering self-compassion, and promoting emotional
growth.
Shame is one of the most challenging emotions to endure. It creates feelings of
unworthiness and fear of rejection, often holding us back from fully engaging with
life. Breaking free from shame is effectively achieved through Schema Therapy, which helps us challenge and reshape the negative self-beliefs that hold us back. This schema often forms in childhood when emotional needs such as love, validation, and acceptance aren’t met. Over time, it shapes how we see ourselves and relate to others.
Understanding the Defectiveness/Shame Schema
This schema develops when we internalise hurtful messages from our environment.
Imagine a child constantly criticised or told they’re “not good enough.” Such
experiences can lead to the belief, “There’s something wrong with me,” which
persists into adulthood.
Key indicators of this schema include:
Feeling inadequate or inferior to others.
Fearing rejection if others discover the “real you.”
Hiding perceived flaws through perfectionism or people-pleasing.
The schema acts like a dark lens, distorting how we see ourselves and the world.
Even when we succeed or receive love, we might dismiss it, thinking, “They’ll change
their mind if they see who I really am.”
How Shame Manifests in Everyday Life
Shame can show up in different ways depending on how we cope with it:
Surrendering to the Schema: Accepting the belief that you’re flawed and
withdrawing from relationships or opportunities to avoid rejection. For
instance, someone might avoid dating out of fear that no one could truly love
them.
Avoidance: Distracting from shame through overwork, isolation, or numbing
behaviours like excessive scrolling or drinking.
Overcompensation: Striving for perfection or constant approval to mask
feelings of defectiveness. For example, someone might overachieve to prove
their worth, hoping to hide their “flaws.”
While these coping strategies may provide temporary relief, they often deepen
feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
Healing Shame with Schema Therapy
Schema therapy offers a roadmap for addressing the Defectiveness/Shame schema
and rebuilding a healthier sense of self.
Recognizing the Schema
The first step is awareness. Identifying how the schema influences your
thoughts and behaviors is crucial. For instance, you might notice you avoid
social situations because you fear people will find you “boring” or “not good
enough.”
Rewriting Your Inner Story
Shame is often fueled by an untrue narrative like “I’m unworthy of love.”
Schema therapy helps you challenge and replace this story with a
compassionate one, such as “I deserve love and respect just like anyone
else.” This involves examining the origins of these beliefs and testing their
accuracy.
Emotional Healing
Techniques like imagery rescripting allow you to revisit painful memories and
rewrite them. For example, you might imagine comforting your younger self
who was unfairly criticized, meeting emotional needs that were neglected in
the past.
Building Self-Compassion
Developing a “Healthy Adult” perspective is key to countering the harsh inner
critic. This compassionate inner voice helps you reframe mistakes as
opportunities to learn rather than reasons to feel shame. Instead of thinking, “I
failed again,” you might say, “I’m human, and this is part of growth.”
Practicing New Behaviors
Healing also requires taking action. By stepping out of avoidance, you can
experiment with healthier ways of connecting with others. For instance,
sharing a small vulnerability with a trusted friend can reinforce the belief that
you are valued and accepted just as you are.
Moving Toward Self-Acceptance
Shame can feel like an invisible weight that holds us back, convincing us we are
unworthy or unlovable. Through schema therapy, we can understand and heal the
beliefs that fuel shame. These beliefs, rooted in the Defectiveness Shame schema,
often stem from early experiences of criticism, neglect, or trauma.
Schema therapy helps us unpack this heavy emotional backpack by identifying and
challenging harmful narratives. Techniques like reframing self-critical thoughts,
revisiting painful memories through imagery, and building self-compassion allow us
to lighten the load.
The process takes time but leads to self-acceptance and freedom. By rewriting our
inner story, we can shed shame’s grip and embrace a life of authenticity and worth.
Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre which provides counselling and psychotherapy services for children, adolescents, youths, adult individuals, couples and groups with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief and various mental health and relationship challenges. For more information, please visit www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp at +65 8889 1848. For periodic updates, we invite you to join our telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace.
Sources:
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner's guide. Guilford Press.
Schema Therapy Institute. (2023). MF defectiveness schema. Retrieved November 27, 2024, from
The Attachment Project. (n.d.). Defectiveness/shame schema. Retrieved November 27, 2024, from
Keywords: shame and schema therapy, overcoming shame in counselling, healing shame through
psychotherapy, schema therapy techniques for shame, emotional healing with counselling, self-
compassion and shame in therapy, managing shame with psychotherapy, addressing shame in
relationships, counselling for self-worth, psychotherapy for self-acceptance
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